Creating Your Sanctuary

Feeling Out of Control

April 05, 2023 Katie Sanders Episode 109
Creating Your Sanctuary
Feeling Out of Control
Show Notes Transcript

When you look at things like your emotions, scale and dreaming, you can feel better about when big things feel out of control.

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00:00 Hi, this is Katie and thank you for joining me on the My Senses, My Space podcast. And this is a podcast about feeling the world intensely, evaluating and processing your needs and planning your space in your life to fit you.
00:16 And today I wanted to talk about feeling out of control. And this can come about in many ways. There can be things that are way out of your control that you cannot do anything about.
00:33 And it can feel like you're spiraling. It can feel like, well, what is the point of all of this? It can feel like, And this can feel like you know, I don't even know what my next steps are.
00:46 What can happen next? If I can't control this, then what can I control? And I think that's actually the first healthy step in it all.
00:54 Is really pinpointing what you're feeling. So naming that. Feeling like I'm angry. I am upset. I'm frustrated. I am sad.
01:06 I am really disappointed. It can come with all these different emotions. And I think it's important to really sit there first and try to identify and validate that those, are okay to feel, especially when something, even if it's small, but most times when it's something bigger and going, I feel
01:31 this way. This is happening and I'm feeling this way. And let's sit in that. Let's, let's kind of, and it can be uncomfortable.
01:39 And you may not have a lot of time for it. Time to feel your emotions is hard and sometimes scheduling a time, like with your therapist or in the evenings when you journal or in the mornings when you journal, like that can be scheduled.
01:54 But then also it just bubbles up. So sometimes you can be in the car with your kid and going to the grocery store and all of a sudden you just.
02:01 Feel this immense sadness because you feel out of control and it's not that we want to control every single thing, but being neurodivergent when you feel out of control, you feel like you can't exist in that environment, whether it's your work.
02:21 Or your life or your home or anything like that, it can feel very unsettling. We thrive on consistency or we thrive on making sure that our surroundings fit us.
02:34 So feeling that wobble, feeling that possibly being shaken and. Not knowing what the next steps are is scary. So feeling those emotions and thinking, okay, what part of this is making me feel the most?
02:56 Is it that I don't have control over a certain aspect? Can it be that, There is a little part that you can control.
03:07 Is it partly that maybe you could start coming up with new ideas on, And it can be very defeating also to look out there and not see great options.
03:29 And then going, well, let's dream about this. Let's plan a little bit about this. And I'm not saying everyone has to like immediately jump into their planners or like, this 10 step strategy to where you're going to live next.
03:49 But it does help to see that if something big like that is shaking you, that there are next steps for you to regain the control.
04:03 Like, I may not be able to control where I live now, but I am going to be able to make a decision about where I live next.
04:15 And so like, going wait a minute, okay, I feel sad. I feel out of the control in this, what parts can't, And I participate in, and then you can start dreaming a little bit.
04:28 So it may be that the next place you're going to live isn't even available yet, or isn't known to you yet, and you're starting out your search.
04:39 So this could be something that takes a little while, and it may have in- in between step that you're not even seeing yet.
04:48 Maybe it's that you stay with someone just for a little while, and you find the next best thing for you.
04:55 It's hard. It's hard. I'm not seeing any of this as easy. But feeling out of control is really hard. For people who are neurodivergent and also have chronic illnesses so that where can I find that place that I'm going to stay in that is going to support my healing?
05:17 That it can support my bodily needs? That it can support anything that I need in this next- chapter in my life.
05:26 And so it may be that you can't solve all that the moment you find out you have to move. It's not about that.
05:36 It is part of slowly processing what parts can. I control what parts and looking at the validation of I can freak out.
05:52 I can be upset about these certain parts of being out of control. But am I jumping to conclusions about other parts?
06:04 Are there things here that I don't necessarily have to think are the worst case scenario or am I making this a little bigger of a deal?
06:16 I'm not saying you are. I think you're very valid in any type of big thing that comes up that you feel out of control on the- expected bill, a job loss, a, you know, family situation, any of those things that you can feel totally out of control with, but coming back to like, also knowing what is the
06:37 truth of what I'm out of control of? Is that a sentence? It's like- what is exactly- the part that I don't have control over.
06:49 That's a better way to phrase it. Because it may be that you're missing a little aspect that you can leverage and go, wait a minute, I do have a little bit more in here that I can take a next step with or think about or- dream about, you know, dreaming, you would think dreaming when you're out 
07:10 of control is not like the best thing, but it actually is a way for you to imagine kind of a next step.
07:18 It's so important for me, at least I'm a visual learner. I love visualizing other- people have different modalities of learning and in taking information, but when I envision a conversation with someone or moving or next steps or paying that bill or any of those things, when I visualize that, I tend
07:40 to calm down because it, and it's not about- ,stamping down your emotions. You need to process them. But I also can feel like, wait, I can have agency in this in taking a next step so that I don't feel as anxious.
08:05 And to me, that anxious feeling of like, I need to be doing something but I can't do anything, can feel like it starts to build and affect a whole lot more than what I really can visualize and then bring it back.
08:25 And then back down and go, okay, maybe this problem is this size. And that's one of the other key things about this.
08:33 When we look at these issues that come up, a feeling out of control, what is the scale of that problem in your life?
08:43 What is, excuse me. Of like, is this from like one to ten? Is this a five? Is this a seven?
08:51 Is this a three? And for neurodivergent people, it can be really hard to assess the scale of something. So looking at like, how can I process?
09:05 Have emotions, process, and react in proportion to the scale of this issue? Cause we can totally, I can. I can totally blow things out of proportion and go, oh my gosh, this is the worst thing ever.
09:20 But I also know I've moved in my life. I've gotten new jobs in my life. I've paid hard bills before.
09:27 I have dealt with hard family things before and come out the other side. And there usually is a way through.
09:38 It's just how do we kind of regain our, our wobble and, like one of those, you know, blow up things that you can't get us a little wobble, guys.
09:52 That you can't get us a kid on those little toys. How can you come back up? And that's, that's part of resilience, right?
09:59 You may not be able to especially if you have chronic illness and it, is getting harder. It may not be that you just pop back up.
10:11 So setting expectations of going, this is how I'm dealing with this situation now. This is how I'm dreaming about how it could all come together.
10:22 And this is a rough plan. And also taking steps in this plan. And I'm going, okay, I can rough this out now, but I don't have to have all the answers now.
10:34 I can go, oh, well, I can start looking for another place to live. I can start putting resumes in. I can start having conversations with my family.
10:43 I can start saving up for that bill. Knowing that. It's not going to be the end result that day. May not be the end result that week or the month, but you are taking steps and knowing that you're taking action can honestly feel really good in your body and start to lower your anxiety.
11:05 So I hope that helps. I want to know what do you feel out of control of right now? What is really top of mind?
11:15 I would love to hear. Email me. My contact info is in the description. I'm also mostly on Instagram. So I dot M dot Katie Sanders on there.
11:27 If you'd like to share because sometimes just talking with someone about what you feel out of control about can actually put a perspective on the scale.
11:38 And not to compare the scale to other people. It's to talk to somebody, anybody and go when I. I am speaking these words.
11:50 It feels more like there's a scale to it, my own scale and that scale of going, okay. To me, this feels like a solid three.
12:01 Because when I do a lot of scale ratings for things, it can be very dependent on what their viewpoint of things are.
12:08 I may value how comfortable I am at my home, especially if I'm going to a new home. I may put that at a 10 because of my life experience, but for other people, it could be a 7.
12:23 So coming up with my own rating scale and knowing that that fits. It's me sometimes verbalizing it, sometimes writing it some way of processing it so that you know what the scale is for you.
12:39 So thank you for joining me on the My Senses, My Space podcast.